“I’m thinking of you to homeschool our boys,” my husband told me in early spring 2015. His words brought me tears of joy. God finally gave us a confirmation to homeschool after battling that thought for two years.
My dream turned into reality on September 2015. Their study tables were set, filled with books and school supplies. I was excited to teach Alexander in grade one and Theodore in Junior Kindergarten. My almost twenty years of teaching experience as a tutor, class teacher and vice principal gave me confidence. I never imagined that I would face any challenges in our journey.
It never occurred to me that my confidence was actually the manifestation of my pride and fear. They slowly appeared in the form of unrealistic expectations for my children. I had almost zero tolerance for their mistakes. I thought this was for their own benefit, but it was actually for my own satisfaction.
My children became fearful of me because I had become an impatient and demanding mother. They cried when they could not do their work. This was not the learning environment I envisioned. My selfish desire robbed my joy of teaching them, and now our relationship was at risk.
I felt upset at myself, but I did not know how to fix it. I was desperate for help, but I was afraid of asking for help. I didn’t want people to see me as a failure, especially my husband who trusted me with our children’s education. My children caught me crying on my knees many times after I lost my temper. I cried out to God, begged for His help to get me out of my stressful situation.
The Bible said that when we ask, it would be given. His first deliverance happened when Alexander was doing his most challenging subject, spelling. I could hear the Holy Spirit speak firmly but gently, "Give him room for mistakes."
The whole atmosphere changed at that moment. I broke down into tears. God has given me His grace by dying on the cross for all my sins; why can't I spare one mistake for my son? My pride and fear were standing as a big giant between my children and me. I could not see their needs, for I saw them as my trophy.
I was ashamed of what I had become and regretted what I did to my children. I am grateful for God knows my shortcomings, yet He does not condemn me. He didn’t rebuke me to leave me in my situation. His love forgives me and lifts me up from my shameful feeling.
Our loving God is a God of order. His redirection comes with corrections. He began the process by humbling me. It started by breaking my expectation of perfect scores from my children. It was the hardest thing for me to accept their test scores of less than 100%.
There were constant battles between my old self and who God wanted me to be. I argued with God in my prayers, defending the reasons for my actions. Although I knew that God was supreme and I was wrong. Every time I became resistant to His will, our learning environment went back to where we were.
I could challenge God or cooperate with Him by submitting and surrendering to His will. Yet His teaching comforts me for I believe He leads me to green pastures. He teaches me that my children's academic performance is a product of their spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth. The learning process is intended to build effective habits with Godly characteristics. This is how we should train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old will not depart from it, as King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 22:6.
I am grateful for God continues to transform me although I am often being stubborn. He renews my mind daily with the mind of Christ. Kingdom mindset brings transition to my behavior, attitudes and my vocabulary towards my children and all areas of my life. My children are learning in a more relaxed and happier environment because I now teach from a place of love, not my fear anymore. We still have a few gloomy days randomly. Those are days where God reminds me to demonstrate His love to my children and put aside all my selfish desire.
There are still a lot of miles in our family journey with unknown rocks ahead. Despite all the uncertainties, God assures me that I can always rely on Him, for He is my shepherd. He is the one who directs my path and orders my steps. I have learned to rely on God, trusting and obeying His direction even when it feels uncomfortable. I'm no longer who I am since God puts me in perfect process through my homeschooling journey. I give Him praise for the Lord is my rock and salvation, for I will exalt Him forever more.
Maureen is an audacious woman who is always on the lookout for new adventures. God ignited her gift of teaching after being dimmed behind corporate’s desk for almost ten years. She responded to her calling to homeschool her two sons. Her love for her children is her fuel, with a curriculum as her guideline, a whiteboard and a marker on her hand, she takes her children to a journey beyond the textbook. She also pours out her gift to teach Sunday school and runs a marriage workshop together with her husband of fifteen years. Aside from teaching, she runs her mini golf business and helps her husband with his business too. She lives in Ontario.
Read more articles from homeschoolers sharing why they homeschool.
"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6).