The moment I laid my eyes on my son for the first time, I fell in love. It was an intense love and connection that was so different from anything I had ever experienced before. I felt this sense of completeness and purpose. It was magical.
Now, I loved my husband dearly; he was my honey, my partner, my best friend. However, quickly his needs and desires got pushed to the wayside and remained there for quite some time. In my mind, this little baby needed me more than my spouse; my son couldn’t feed himself or dress himself or care for himself. He was completely dependent on me, and I couldn’t be more fulfilled in that role.
I think my experience is all too common. Woman meets man. Woman and man fall in love. Woman and man are inseparable and get married. Then . . . baby comes. Woman devotes her life to baby. Man feels ignored and neglected. Woman feels fulfilled by motherhood and continues to pour herself into it. Man distances himself. Woman and man are disconnected. And we know how this story sometimes ends.
Unfortunately, deciding to homeschool doesn’t help this scenario but rather can exacerbate it.
Homeschooling becomes a huge undertaking and can and will encompass your whole life. Not only are you parent, but now you’re also parent and teacher. You wear many hats and take on many roles—which means that you’ve got to be extremely mindful of balancing life in such a way that no one facet gets ignored. It’s rather an art than a science.
There are tips and intentional actions that you can channel to preserve your marriage and keep it intact during these strenuous and demanding years of rearing young children and educating them simultaneously.
- Have the mindset that your husband comes before your children.
I have to admit this was a hard one for me. Like I mentioned, when my first child was born, I felt changed and experienced this internal shift that conjured up feelings of purpose and meaning. I neglected to remember that my husband also gave me similar feelings all those years ago; but as life would have it, we became complacent and took for granted our initial feelings of adoration.
Without my husband, there would be no family. He was the staple and the foundation to everything we had built together. He was the centre of it all, and I failed to remember this while in the throes of motherhood.
- Make time for each other.
Nurturing your marriage is so important regardless of what season of life you’re in; however, it’s especially vital when the demands of parenthood can feel like they’re pulling you apart and the time you have is sparse and increasingly rare. It takes real intentionality to create time together. Often, it has to be scheduled, preferably once a week; however, that can be difficult for most families. I would suggest at least once a month you find a sitter and actually go out with your spouse. It doesn’t have to be grandiose or expensive. Maybe it’s a walk for ice-cream or a day-date out to IKEA shopping and then lunch there (super cheap!). Anything that involves you two being alone is what matters.
- Practice self-care.
It’s vital that you ensure that your well-being is taken care of—not only physically but mentally and emotionally. Homeschooling entails many parts of you; and if you’re not maintaining a balance in your life, then quickly you will begin to feel exhausted and over-worked. So, make sure you eat well, get regular exercise, take time for prayer and devotions, go for a coffee with a girlfriend, attend a workshop, take a class. Whenever you form healthy habits, it will only benefit your children and spouse positively because you are able to give more to them and not feel depleted.
- Remember to keep the lines of communication open.
Communication is an integral part of all relationships. Without it, many of them dissolve and become estranged. Letting your partner know how you feel and being completely open and honest promotes deep connections and fosters attachment. Discuss parenting issues and marriage issues in a non-confrontational manner. Try to share your homeschooling woes and struggles (not by whining and complaining) and ask your partner for advice. Perhaps, brainstorm together troubleshooting scenarios. These times can become very connecting and intimate.
- Involve your spouse in your homeschooling.
I think that often we neglect to seek counsel of our spouses in anything homeschooling. We feel like this is our domain, and we need not ask for advice or suggestions. In our home, we often joke that Daddy is the principal of our school, and the kids get a kick out of that. I’ll make them laugh by telling them that I’m sending them to the principal’s office when Dad gets home. I also share what we’re learning with my husband and include him in projects, field trips and assignments.
Overall, preserving and maintaining your marriage should be of your utmost priority. Your spouse is the person who you are walking through life with. He’s the one who you should turn to when you’re feeling overwhelmed and grief-stricken by the demands of homeschooling. Make sure he feels important and involved, and try not to alienate him from your world at home. Your children will only benefit from the solid relationship you have formed with your spouse because they will have a positive and healthy model of marriage right before them.
Clara Campedelli, of Vancouver, British Columbia, has been homeschooling for ten years. She’s a mother of three and has been married for 20 years. With a background teaching in special education, she’s taught preschool, been a certified Orton-Gillingham Therapeutic Tutor for the past nineteen years, has run her own tutoring business, and holds an Early Childhood Care & Education certificate. Her life is busy, hectic, rewarding—and she believes that her years of homeschool have taught her much more than what she has shown her children. For more from Clara, visit her website at Simply Clarafying.
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"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6).